Unicorns and Trolls
by tiggeranddash
Summary: Muggles are taught the Birds and the Bees. Wizards are taught the Unicorns and the Trolls. Muggles are taught by their parents and certified teachers. Hogwarts is taught by eccentric Professors. Oh, this cannot end well. First Year Fic.
1. Dumbledore's Troubles

Tigger: So, I've got Harry Potter fever. I loved the series for many years now, and with the final movie coming up, I decided to write a little fic. This idea suddenly bounced into my head. With romance and passion high, it's a wonder J.K. Rowling never drifted anywhere near sex during any of her novels. The reason for this was the rating of the book, but I thought let's give her a better reason. Maybe sex never came up because all of the Harry Potter characters had been mentally scarred by the sex talk and decided fighting Voldemort was the lesser of two evils. Also I just thought it would be hilarous to see a "magical" version of the sex talk. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where this story is going or how long it will be, but hey that's hald the fun.

(Sorry if someone came up with idea for this story already, but I've personally never seen one and I thought it would be funny. Also I highly doubt our stories will end up the same. On a similiar note, I don't own Harry Potter. If I did there would be more Fred and George.)

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><p>Dumbledore sighed as he looked down at the piece of parchment in front of him. He absolutely dreaded this time of year, each and every year. With all the wisdom he supposedly had, or at least most of the wizarding population claimed he had, one would figure he would have easily escaped this torture years ago. Alas, it was not to be. Every year he tied to wiggle his way out in the most dignified manner possible and every year he failed. It was time for Dumbledore to plan the sex talk.<p>

Hogwarts was a school for witchcraft and wizardry, and that was what was primarily taught. It was a school for spells, charms, potions, and once a year, the infamous Unicorn and Troll talk. After all 99% of the magical children in the United Kingdom depended on Hogwarts to teach them all the skills they needed to go out into the wizarding world, sex talk included. Years ago, shortly after the foundation of Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic passed a law that sexual education must be included in the Hogwarts curriculum. So every year, on the first Saturday of October, the students were divided by age and gender and given lectures about the scientific aspect of sexual conjugation.

Besides just sex, the students were also taught about different methods of birth control. It was a little known fact that Hogwarts had a prevention spell worked into every stone. The founders had figured that sticking a bunch of hormone crazed teens into close quarters might result in one or two unwanted pregnancies simply because said teenagers might mess up a birth control potion or spell or not use one at all. Therefore, Hogwarts had essentially been made 'baby-proof' to the relief of many parents.

This year was worse than ever for Dumbledore. Usually Dumbledore relied on the Muggle Studies Professor and the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. However, the little old witch who ran Muggle Studies retired at the end of last year after a bad incident with a bewitched toaster; and the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor had quit suddenly last winter break and had been replaced with the ever-stuttering Professor Quirrell. Therefore Dumbledore had to find new Professors to break in the students to the ever dreaded talk. Not to mention, Harry Potter was joining Hogwarts this year and it was ever-so-important that the famous Potter never soil his reputation with sex scandals. Essentially, Dumbledore had to keep Harry from ever having sex until he was married, or risk the wrath of the entire wizarding world.

Dumbledore rubbed his head tiredly. He was really much too old for this. With all the pressure from the Ministry, the Sorcerer's Stone, and Harry's arrival there was too much on his plate already. He briefly thought about retirement, only to dismiss the thought, Harry would need Dumbledore in the future, especially if Dumbledore's theories about Voldemort were right. Suddenly an idea struck Dumbledore. It was too much effort and way too ineffective to try to persuade the students not to have sex, but Dumbledore could always scare them into not having sex. With that idea in mind Dumbledore quickly scheduled the first Saturday of October. He briefly wondered if his method would later affect the students mentally, but he decided his method was worth the risk, after all it was for the greater good. With that thought in mind, Dumbledore finalized his plan.

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><p>Tigger: Well that was the prolouge. I'm just setting up the background for the story. If any of you have ideas on who should help giving the talk, pm me.<p> 


	2. Innocent Naive First Years

Tigger: So I updated. You'll notice these updates aren't very long but this story is sort of just a thing to let the creative juices flow and I stop where I feel its appropriate. Anyway thanks for those who looked up my first chapter and decided to follow along with this abrupt piece of work (you know who you are). So, ignoring the fact that I don't own Harry Potter, let the good times roll.

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><p>It was a bright sunny morning in the Grand Hall. Students sat everywhere eating their delicious breakfasts made by Hogwarts' wonderful house elves (although few students actually knew this fact). The hall was slightly more crowded than usual, especially for a Saturday morning, but all students were supposed to be in the hall by nine am. If one looked closely they would notice that the atmosphere in the hall was more subdued than usual. The older students were casting slightly anxious looks at each other and several hushed conversations were being held throughout the halls. Harry Potter sat at the Gryffindor table sleepily making his way through his pile of eggs and bacon. Usually Harry was first to notice if something was off, but since this incident had nothing to do with Dark Magic or Malfoy, Harry paid it no attention. Hermione on the other hand had noticed and was attempting to figure out exactly what was going on.<p>

"Do you guys notice anything weird?" Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron.

"Not really," Harry shrugged his shoulders.

Ron nodded in agreement, his mouth too full of food to answer.

"Aren't you wondering why Dumbledore told all the students to be here, on a Saturday of all days?" Hermione quizzed.

"They're probably just giving us extra classes or something, you should be happy about that," Ron answered between chewing.

"Ah poor innocent naïve first years," George said as he seated himself next to Ron, stealing some bacon off Ron's plate, "Remember when we were like that Fred?"

"Alas George according to our mother we have never been innocent," Fred said dramatically.

"Oh I suppose your right there, well wouldn't want to be spoiling these kids innocence, now would we?" George said.

"Suppose your right there old chap," Fred made a motion to leave, "Let us be on our way with our impure selves."

The two stood up and went to walk away before Hermione halted them.

"What are you two going on about?" Hermione asked huffily.

"Well since you asked," the both said at the same time and with that they turned and sat down again.

"Today's the most dreaded day in Hogwarts History," George began laying on the theatrics.

"Every year students fear this day and many fall ill from nerves," Fred continued.

"It is a most dreaded day."

"Worse than losing a qudditch match against Slytherin."

"Worse than having double potions with Snape."

"Worse than any O.W.L. or N.E.W.T."

"Oh for heaven's sake, what are you two going on about?" Hermione interrupted.

The twins exchanged sly glances.

"Today is the day you get the infamous Unicorn and Troll talk," they said simultaneously.

The twins grinned widely, looking at the horror struck expressions on Ron and Hermione's faces, and quickly got up from the table and left.  
>The rest of the first years, who had been listening in, immediately began to panic. A few, such as Neville, looked as if they were about to be sick. Other had merely turned red at the suggestion and were avoiding eye contact, and a very slim amount just looked confused. Harry Potter was one of them.<p>

Now it is to be understood that Harry Potter did not grow up in the most pleasant of households. In fact, he lived in a house where he was detested by the others who occupied this home. His aunt and uncle did not like magical folks and took every precaution when it came to Harry and magic. For instance, Harry had never been to single magic show and had been locked in the cupboard under the stairs when Dudley had a magician for his eighth birthday party. Harry was not allowed to read books that included magic or watch television shows with magic in them. Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny were as far magic went in the Dursley household and even then said "magical creatures" never made a single visit to Harry Potter.

Besides banning Harry from everything fun in life, and possibly making him suffer child abuse by making him live under the stairs, Harry had also never been given in the talk. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley did not want their nephew procreating. They figured the simplest way to do this was to never tell Harry about sex in any way shape or form. Luckily enough for the Dursley's puberty did not tend to hit boys till a bit later then girls. Therefore, they avoided answering awkward questions about certain feelings and hormones Harry may experience. Eventually the Dursley's would have to face puberty with Harry but they figured they would let the school handle the worse part and berate Harry for any questions he had at home. The most they agreed to do was buy him a razor to shave his beard, if it ever came to that. Since the talk was not given till sixth grade in most public schools and Harry had not been given the talk at home, Harry was absolutely clueless when it came to sex. His cluelessness prompted his next question.

"What's the talk?" Harry asked to the astounded silence of the entire Gryffindor table.

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><p>Tigger: So not terribly funny and really just more background setting, but come on you have to imagine who taught Harry the birds and the bees? Certainly not the Dursleys so unfortunately he's left with the people of Hogwarts to teach him, and some of them aren't exactly right in the head. Till next time.<p> 


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